020 How Christians Thrive in a Sexless Marriage

3 minute read that will bless your marriage all week.

“My wife and I haven’t had sex in over a month, how do I stay in my marriage?” That’s the question I was asked recently, ands I get some version of this “sex-less marriage” question - all the time.

So with a sex-less marriage typically defined as: a couple that has sex less than 10 times a year, how can Christians thrive in a sex-less marriage? No doubt! This is a real problem for many couples but like every other problem of life and marriage there is hope!

The hope of not only surviving [dealing with & getting through] - a sexless marriage but actually thriving - [finding peace] in a sexless marriage is Christ! Yep, even the frustrations, hurts and raw emotions of a sex-less marriage are covered in the blood and power of Christ.

I first wrote 10 Ways to Thrive in a Sexless Marriage in 2013 as a blogpost. That post was then reposted on many sites for several years, with well over 1 million views. And..I got hammered for believing that faith in Christ could move the needle for such a tough subject as this.

So let me underscore that the point of this week’s newsletter is for Christians to THRIVE in what is, not necessarily to work through the reasons why the marriage is sexless. The point was then and is now that from medical/health reasons to harboring past hurts to any and every other reality…the reason(s) are not a green light to cheat on your spouse, retaliate and ultimately damage your relationship with the Lord. Where you are in your marriage, is a surprise to you, but God is neither surprised or out of options. (oh that’s going on social media)

So from sexual frustration(s) to just unpleased with where things are, here are 9 Ways to THRIVE in CHRIST, in your reality:

1. Pray. Ok after this 1st one, this list is not in order of importance (LOL). But! Thriving and maintaining your Christian “walk” in a sexless marriage is 1st & foremost a spiritual matter that requires the Lord’s help. In a sexless marriage, only the Lord provides strength to remain true to Him first and therefore our spouse. Perspective of Christ first, provides strength to stand in whatever the reality is in the bedroom, home and heart…So, lets pray to and about Christ, not the husband or wife you’re married to. Be simple, Lord be my strength, give me wisdom…help me Lord.

2. Be Honest. Trust God enough to be honest with your spouse! Then - you can love your spouse enough to be honest with them about your feelings. Trust God can lead you to and through honest conversation with the husband or wife He gave you. 1 Corinthians 2:11 For who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

3. Be Specific. Don’t beat around the bush or keep back important details. When it comes to communication: You can get a lot of things in things and a lot of stuff in stuff. Replace general words, “things” and “stuff” with specificity: “This is what I do/don’t like…”

4. Don’t Guess. Without honest and specific communication we tend to guess how he or she feels. Ask questions but don’t guess or assume.

5. Re-Focus (On the Lord). On either side of a sex-less marriage we tend to focus on how we feel, whose fault it is, and reasons why. Advice I once received: “If you could have fixed it, you would’ve fixed it along time ago”. Refocus…The problem solver is Christ, not you or your spouse. 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 - we have affliction to show that surpassing power belongs to God and not us…

6. Spend Time Together: Reconnect. Determine to stay connected best you can. Romans 12:18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. [yes, different context but might work here too 😇]. Prayer Menu Below

7. Be Honest with Yourself. Admit to yourself how you feel about the state of your marriage. Having faith is not denying we feel how we feel. If you’re frustrated - say that. Then let Christ help you deal with that.

8. Be Happy. Happy is a choice that you can make! Your feelings are real. Yet, you can choose to “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart”. Surely, getting to “happy” is more than saying it, it is a place of spiritual growth and prayer.

9. Be Kind. Christ died for you on the cross, His blood saved and continually saves your soul. There are no group tix into heaven. We all give an account for our lives (Romans 14). Don’t forfeit the peace of Christ, be who you are in Christ, if you are kind, be kind - For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. 2 Corinthians 4:17 

Note: Scripture is not a magic wand 🪄being in a sex-less marriage brings out real and raw emotions. Sharing Scripture isn’t intended to make it all better. Rather to keep us all pointed back to Christ and the hope available in Him. Read, share and encourage one another in Christ.

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